TROUBLE!!!

How do i go about telling this???

OMG!!! MY SISTER WHO I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW, she, came upon this blog and shit hit the fan... she was sooo bloody upset... understandably about the post before this, but more she said, "how could i do this to my mother? couldn't I wait til she died before posting my sordid life on the blog, for the world to see".

i dunno.. i have to admit, I am at fault. I have no excuses..

Do i feel bad? no... in fact, I dont even regret it.. although i am very the stupid one.. konon IT , tapi i made the usual mistakes we all make.. i forgot to delete the history when using her computer.. hmm thats me, malas.

this was thru sms coz I didnt feel like talking..

I asked her to read my blog from the start, to get to know me like she should.. I told her, the me at home was just acting, i never did open up at home, never shared my dreams, my fear, anything.. in fact, when I was studying in INTI and my computer went kaput! and my final project was due, my mother was actually taken aback that I actually asked for help. so basically I told my sister that I wasnt that crazy.

she said no thanks.. she never wants to grace this spot ever again..

last thing i messaged was "ok... nice knowing you" and we have not crossed path again.


now I am not traumatic because my other elder sister who i love to death has known for years, my brother knows too though I never came out to him at all. I think my lil sis has always known. and I know that no matter what, they will always be there (whether i like it or not) lol.

but i like to think that I am giving my eldest sister a few years to cool down. But I aint ashamed of who I am. this is the only way I can even think of to be happy. I am not even happy now, just not bad... but its ok coz I know things could have been much much worse.

I was miserable in school.. so so miserable... why did u guys think i started so young? at 13, for crying out loud, at that age, I should be out skateboarding not sucking old men's dicks. I guess i just wanted escape. To be close. because I realized even back then, that I couldnt ever be close to anybody... the girls i like but are too different, they boys just dont click with me...

and i went to boarding school.. no sex.. well almost none... but i still couldnt buddy with anybody except for fadzlan who everybody made fun of.. he was my best bud there... now dont get me wrong.. the bunch of us went thru alot... i love them to death, tuntung, eju, hilmi, muz, zool, julia, everybody. i just wasnt one of the guys. not that they didnt want me (i think) I just couldnt open up.

it will be years before that magickal 4 years in sabah where i was truly happy... i came out and found such wonderful friends, toy!, Jaime!, collins!, Paciq!, Popon! OMG! i wasnt afraid to me the annoying pervert me and they didnt run away.. they the worst of me and i hope the best of me... and if this is what it takes to find frens like you guys, then life can bring it on.

so there.. I am almost completely out.. I'll let life deal the cards on the final ones who matter..

I am soo sorry if I upset the balance. I am not good at emotions in real life.. at this kind of thing... even now, like over a week after that incident, this is the first time I could say things out.. I am sorry collins, i just couldnt really say it out ... and thanks for being there when i needed u. and sorry it had to come at the time when u needed me.