Emotions gone haywire

I lost my phone. no more numbers.

Its been a long time since I last posted and emotional heart rending. This is one such post. I don't know how to put things in words. I don't know how to post. I am angry right now, well now I am just sad and melancholic but earlier I was mad. My anger has been simmering for 2 days now and its not about the phone.

Its about the perception of somebody I care very much about. What he percieves me to be. I dont know what most people think of me. I hope its positive but I know at times, that may not be so.

Tapi hati I terguris, mula mula sikit je tapi lama and lama.. makin difikir and makin dilayan perasaan nie.. and dia pon xde ke nak tanya ke apa.. setakat hantar org lain kata nak cakap tapi sendiri x dtg. funny thing is... usually what he said would have been true but not last sunday morning.. what happened wasnt at all what he was thinking.. Maybe thats just it.. we feel worse if we were accused for doing something that we didnt do even though we would normally have done. Maybe, its because he didn't give me the benefit of a doubt. I don't even know why he would be upset if I stayed the night at a hotel I dont know why it would be a bad thing. but to say it. To actually say it made me think that perhaps thats all he thought there was to me. So little of me.

Is that it?? I've never really expressed emotionally to anybody, really. maybe sometimes and the only person ever who i confided what my true feeling is was to my sister nadia and that was only on the subject matter of my father. And even that, the feeling was mutual. And this blog, I've wrote things that I've actually never told anybody.. conveyed emotions that I wouldn't show.

maybe that's why I was so upset. That he only say that one side of me. Was I never sincere? Was I never honest with him? I could never be the abang angkat to him that most could. I could never give him anything financially. I could never give any special consideration at work. And if I did, I could never be outright with it. There is nothing special I can give anybody. There is only me and my time. It hurts that he only saw the picture everybody see.

Yes, I can't love somebody like you are supposed to love your lover. Its not in me. And yes, I can me without mercy at times but that doesnt mean I do not care. FUCK! I care a lot about every single fucking friend of mine. Someone I already forgot who once said that I only love myself. Maybe it was my eldest sister. Maybe its true.

Funny, did you know I show more love to my friends than to my own family? to my late dad, to my mother, even to my sister nadia who I love to bits? Maybe its because there is so much more to lose with your family. What? you think that I dont care my sister nini doesnt talk to me anymore? It hurts too much if I dwell on that. I've only just begun to love myself. And thats that?

Why did I read all those books? Why do I love fiction and not non-fiction? why Fantasy where the worlds dont exist and anything can happen as long as u justify it? Its because this fucking life is depressing enough as it is. Let me laugh and have fun as much as I can because I know life will smack u down at any time.

I dont even know what I am rambling about. I am just so sad to know that somebody I care about thinks so little of me. I was angry because he didnt ask me what happened. I was angry because he made assumptions and that what happened on that sunday morning was something bad. WE WERE at RUUMS up until almost 6am because we were just trying to help a friend. Or even just to be there.

So we all slept at her place. What the hell was I supposed to do? There was barely time to sleep. My car is still not working and I cannot afford a cab home! PLUS I just fucking lost my phone!!!

but then to him. If its me then its all about sex. I must have been naughty. So now I am sad because he said I was being childish for being angry at everyone at work. That I should have investigated about the whole thing. That I wasnt acting my age.

I am fucking sad because he doesnt appreciate who I am. I dont act my age. I never did. I don't have an age. I am just me. Thats all I could ever be. All I can ever offer. Why the fuck do you think that I dont try to be stylish as I can? Why do you think that I dont try harder to get fit. Why do you think that I dont chase the money.

Because all I ever wanted was for somebody to like me for who I am. People who love me because I burp alot. people who love me because I talk too loud. people who love me because I am always broke. because I smile alot. because I dare or dont dare. honestly, I have never really taken offence at somebody because of their lack. Just if they are rude, in thought or actions. It scares me if I become rich, they'll love me for the things I can get them. It scares me if I am buff and muscular, they'll love me for my hotness. I want it but it scares me.

When I was in school. I didnt have anybody who I consider a real friend. Only one or two. But I never opened up fully. I was never in any clique or circle. I never thought that I was somebody that they had to have there. I was always the afterthought. Just the add-on. Never the core. Its only at college that I discovered the true value of friendship. I just want somebody that is just happy to have me around.

Thats why I love my good friends. I didnt need to bring anything, I didnt need to have anything. I just can be there and its enough. Those days and memories of just doing nothing with your friends are what I love. The guys in kk. the guys in klang. Taman Universiti. Kota Damansara with Syam and the gang.

more rambling. sorry. vince didnt like the other half of me. The side of me that I showed him on Gunung Nuang with my friends. I dont think that Jeff would appreciate the bottom me. the flambouyant me. The crazy me.

so ends what ever thoughts I had in my head. there is no conclusion. I making more mistakes than rectifying them. i'll probably get more trouble and headache from writing this than wat its worth.